im just really stressed about my memory. i keep dissociating. i realized last year that im really good at convincing myself nothing is real. i would go for weeks on autopilot and not remember what happened. ive been having trouble remembering events like they happened and the order they happened in. i also have trouble trying to sort through dreams and memories.

i read donna haraway's cyborg manifesto and it explained how i felt about my identity and how it related to the internet. it wasn't one to one but there were a lot of similarities. i realized that my own identity was fractured between how i remember events in my life and how others perceive me. a large part of my identity right now is tied to the internet and i feel like a lot of posts and stories ive seen online are as much my memories as they are the identities of those who shared them.

i don't think that it's unnatural for people to have split identities. i think it's a feature of humans. we can't be the same person we are at home, work, school and so on.

in order to live right now, i have to straddle being who my parents want me to be, who i need to be to succeed in public spaces like school and work, private spaces with my friends, and being someone who i'm not going to feed a bullet to. to me, it seems impossible to live without being more than just myself.

i think it's been mal adaptive for me. mental illness is really only an illness because of how it affects how we live in societies. so even though i think it's mostly a social construct that people are whole and have set identities, i recognize that in order for me to live in way that i would see as positive, i need to consider that living in a fractured way is not the way people live in the world i live in.

i need to consider what my body needs. ive neglected it bc it doesn't fit the identity i have of myself in my mind. i only eat one meal a day. i only sleep when fatigue overcomes me.

so im taking some time away from the internet like how i been using it. sorry i didn't say anything. you can call me if you're reading this. sorry to disappear now when it's summer.